"Jesse White, your judgmental comments are a blatant reminder to me of "why domestic violence is socially acceptable in America." You are NO FRIEND to domestic violence, rape and child abuse victims.
"It grieves me that you are professing to support women in abusive situations, except for your mother in law - me.
"I have a name, I have a face. I invite you to enter my personal holocaust because someday you will need to face the truth. Truth is not something you are seeking at this time, as your posted comment dismisses “me” as a fellow human being. Your writing these comments and accusing me of being a liar without ever having met me, talked to me or written me personally are signs of a COWARD.
"Abuse Deserves No Privacy." - Coral Anika Theill, BONSHEA Making Light of the Dark
Related article: "Are you being used as a 'flying monkey' for a narcissist?"
My son-in-law, Jesse White, does not believe my ex-husband, Mr. Marty Warner, abused me or my children.
Jesse White wrote on July 17, 2007, "As for Mr. Warner, I do not believe I have met a man that has influenced more people in a positive manner."
Mr. White has never spoken to me, contacted me, or met me. He showed up in the family picture a decade after the abuse in the family occurred. I was not invited to their wedding in 2001. In July 2007 he posted a few comments at Salem-News.com informing the editor that the abuse that I detailed in my published memoir, BONSHEA Making Light of the Dark, was made up.
Below are Letters to my Son-in-law, Jesse White:
Response to my son-in-law’s, 2007 comments by Coral Anika Theill
Dear Mr. Jesse White,
My intentions in writing my memoir, BONSHEA Making Light of the Dark, and sharing my personal story was an effort to reclaim dignity, equality and honor, not only for myself, but for everyone. Crimes were committed against my children and me not only by my abuser, but in a courtroom of law.
When I first conceived my twin daughter, (your wife), thirty-five years ago, I began praying for you, my daughter’s husband. I prayed for your parents, too. I have not had the opportunity to meet you or your parents – your choice.
I prayed you would be a gentle man and compassionate man, a man of courage, integrity, wisdom and understanding. I prayed that you would be good to my daughter, Rachel, protect her, and be generous toward her and that you would have “blessed lives” together.
The comment you posted yesterday reminded me of an introduction in one of my favorite books, “Night” by holocaust survivor, Elie Wiesel. “When human beings tell victims, who have suffered excruciating pain and loss that their pain and loss were illusions, they are committing the greatest indignity humans can inflict on another. They are treating the victim as if they are a product of some diseased mind. There is perhaps a greater baseness, those who believe that the victim is a product of a diseased mind and that their pain and suffering are illusions.”
This is how you are treating me. You have lost compassion somewhere along your spiritual journey.
I will not allow you to place the crimes that were committed in our home by my ex-husband, Mr. Warner, on MY SHOULDERS. You were not there those twenty years before you met my daughter, but neighbors, physicians, co-workers, counselors, hundreds of friends in churches of all denominations were. Many of them would like a word with you, but until you are ready, it would be a waste of time.
When your wedding announcements were sent out several years ago, I, the woman who gave birth to your wife, and raised her, was not invited and I was not welcome, but my mother and grandmother received invitations, two people who abused me and committed crimes against me for the duration of my childhood. My ex-husband was invited to your wedding; a man who has abused my children and women co-workers, committed crimes against me, and legally stalked and harassed me these past seventeen years through the Polk County judicial system, in Dallas, Oregon. (Please see court records at the Polk County Courthouse Clerk's Office, Dallas, Oregon)
It grieves me that you are professing to support women in abusive situations, except for your mother in law - me.
I have a name, I have a face. I invite you to enter my personal holocaust because someday you will need to face the truth. Truth is not something you are seeking at this time, as your posted comment dismisses “me” as a fellow human being. Your writing these comments and accusing me of being a liar without ever having met me, talked to me or written me personally are signs of a COWARD.
Abuse Deserves No Privacy
Some people may be pained by having their names appear in print, but I would like to ask you this question, "If one tries to hide truth behind a veil of anonymity, can it really be truth?" I acknowledge that some people may have been hurt by my sharing my true life story, but I continue to be supported by many individuals in the book for my efforts to help raise
the consciousness in our society about crimes and abuse of this nature.
The divorce documents are public domain. There are literally boxes full of court records that document the testimony, under oath, of doctors, witnesses and other professionals that these incidents occurred.
Many details about my children and their birthdates are in the court files. I have sought help from police, sheriffs and advocates due to the crimes committed in our home. My children’s names and information and details of the crimes are also included in their files. My children have face book pages; they detail their own names, where they live, birthdates, and year of birth on their own public pages for the world to see.
I wish that divorce was only between adults, but the reality is divorce transcends the couple who took wedding vows, touching, and too frequently, hurting all those within the couple's family and community circle.
I understand why you have chosen the “perpetrator’s side," my ex-husband, Mr. Marty Warner, because he asks you do to NOTHING. The fact that so many individuals, including you, have shunned me and sided with my abuser and perpetrator makes a huge statement to the arrogance, ignorance and spiritual poverty that is prevalent in society today. You could be a part of the solution of healing this horrific situation and tragedy.
Your judgmental comments are a blatant reminder to me of "why domestic violence is socially acceptable in America." You are NO FRIEND to domestic violence, rape and child abuse victims. I hope you will someday become more educated before you speak about a subject matter you appear to know nothing about. I believe the most violent element in society is ignorance.
The reason BONSHEA exists at all is because I was driven to document my life---for the sake of my children and adults they will grow to be.
I have always found 'TRUTH' not lies, to be a very healing force in my life.
This story is not finished......
Coral Anika Theill
Author, Advocate & Free Lance Reporter
Letter to Tim King/Editor/Salem-News.com
Written by Jesse White, Seeking for Justice July 16
Coral Anika Theill’s son-in-law July 21, 2007, posted two comments on Tim King’s May 7, 2007 article, “Abuse Under the Watch of Oregon’s Justice System”
Several friends and advocates responded to my son-in-law:
Mr. King, (Editor of Salem-News.com) thank you for taking the time to expose some of the terrible injustices to women in the United States. To hear the horror stories of the abuse that many women can attest too makes me sick to my stomach. Regarding Coral's story, and others that you may soon write about, I would please ask you to fulfill your journalistic duties and interview those who were involved in both sides of the story.
When stories like these are told it is easy to jump on the bandwagon and see only the author’s perspective. If I didn't know this story first hand I would be right there with you. But, the fact is, I have known the family first hand for over 12 years. Granted, I was not a part of this family’s life during most of the period that was written about in Coral's book. But I would like you all to know that I have never met a more beautiful and caring family in my life. Each one of Coral's children is living a life that others only dream of. Each one is gifted with amazing talents, strong will, and a love for life. To grow up in a home full of abuse by their father and to turn out so well perplexes me. Although I am not a psychologist, I do not believe that you could have eight children raised in a home where such abuses occur and have all eight turn out to be so full of life as Coral's children.
As for Mr. Warner, I do not believe I have met a man that has influenced more people in a positive manner – beginning with his eight children that he has raised as a single parent and all those that his life is intertwined with daily. In twelve years of being around him and the children daily I have never seen him raise his hand or his voice in an abusive or even semi-derogatory manner, I do not believe that he could just flip an internal switch in his heart that all of a sudden makes him into such a great man. I would like those of you who have read this book and articles written about this book, to know that much of this story is completely untrue and please do not believe everything you hear. For this injustice that you all are speaking out against is the same injustice you are causing by not taking the time to know the complete story. If a book were written about you and your family that spread rumors and lies, would you not be upset? Coral's children live this life every day. Knowing that a book is being read and even used as a textbook in a local college is demeaning to their family and completely untrue.
The enormous pain that has been caused by those of you who think you know the truth by reading a one sided story is a serious injustice. The hurt and pain that my wife has to live with, brought on by her mother, and now recurring with comments posted by those who do not seek the entire truth saddens me to no end. – Jesse White, Oregon (Coral Theill’s son-in-law)
Photo of Jesse White, Confederate Tribes of Grande Ronde, Oregon
Second Letter written by Jesse White, July 2007
Hello again. Thank you all for your responses to my comments. It is very interesting to hear how each one of you feels about this issue. To my mother-in-law, I would like to say I am sorry for making the statement that that your book is completely untrue, I was wrong to make this statement. I would like you to know that your daughter has told me many good things about you and she still does call you mother. She has told me about many of your achievements as a young woman, and is proud that her mother could achieve so much.
I realize where her beauty, strong will, and confidence came from. There is no doubt in my mind that you had a very positive influence in your daughter’s life for many years. I am sorry if my comments appeared that I thought otherwise, that was not my intention. In my comments dated July 17, 2007, I am sorry if I didn’t make it clear whom I was “seeking justice” for. I would like you all to realize it is not for Mr. Warner (he doesn’t know I have submitted these comments); it was not on Bridgeport Community Church’s behalf (I do not attend and never was a member), and definitely not the judicial system (I am not a big fan).
The pain I was referring to being caused by the book and articles like these was the children’s. It is sad that their names, dates of births, and where they have lived have to be brought into this. Classmates, parents of classmates, and even those who have never met them single them out with rude comments about their family life. I believe this is a direct result of having their true names and personal information written in this book. I do not believe they deserve this. I believe divorce should be between the parents and the children not brought into it. This book may have an adverse effect on the children and how they will be treated by those that read it. I believe this could have been avoided by leaving their true identity out. – Jesse White, Oregon
Letter from Debbie Custis in regards to Jesse White’s Comments – July 16, 2007:
I'm writing this in response to Kathy's (Coral Theill’s) son-in-law's statement. I'm sure if there are many people out there who "actually" know of this situation and would still like to dispute Coral's life story, Mr. Tim King would interview them. Frankly, I don't know where you would find such a person.
Her son-in-law wasn't in the Warner's life nor was he in court for the proceedings during the time Kathy (Coral) was being abused by Marty and the court system in Oregon. I was. I also worked with and for Mr. Warner. Trust me, he can "just flip on an internal switch" when he feels it's necessary to appear to be a well-adjusted, upstanding member of the community. Feel fortunate that you're not a "woman" and that Mr. Warner feels no need to "control" you!
I'm not the only woman in the workplace that has had the misfortune of working for Mr. Warner. I'm just the one in Coral’s book. I was told that "women don't belong in the workplace, they need to be at home taking care of their families and when they don't, unfortunate events are the result, that when men and women work together one thing leads to another, and there are problems." I was a recently and happily married woman when that comment was made. Where did it come from?
I was asked on frequent occasions to get Mr. Warner coffee, I was an Ultra-Pure Water Technician, not an Administrative Assistant, and I never once heard him ask one of the guys under his supervision to bring him coffee. I was also forced to listen to Mr. Warner talk about his wife and her problems when he would schedule one of our "private one-on-one meetings" at work. Once again, none of the guys under his supervision were required to have one-on-one meetings with Mr. Warner while he spoke of the personal aspects of his wife's life and his problems with her.
Everything here is public record and I could go on and on. I prefer not to, I'd like to forget, but as long as doubt is cast on the validity of what Coral went through, I'll continue to speak out!! As I stated before, I was worried about Coral just from listening to Mr. Warner talk about her and their personal problems long before I ever met her. In addition, I went through my own personal hell just working under him and at a later date with him. I was finally insulated from him by my new supervisor and the Department Manager because I'd applied for another position within the company to get away from Mr. Warner. At the time they couldn't find a replacement for my position.
Unfortunately, several months ago, I was contacted by yet another woman who has experienced according to her, abuse and emotional trauma at the hands of Mr. Warner (in the work place). Once again, another life emotionally and negatively impacted by Mr. Warner. Why does this keep happening if there's no validity here, sir.
You didn't see Kathy (Coral) with her three youngest children, her patience, the love and the bond that was so clearly there for all to see while she was in hiding from her husband, living from hotel to hotel, with no money, and no food, entirely dependent on friends and yes, even some strangers that wanted to help her. It's easy to be kind, loving, and nurturing during the good times; Coral was all those things during the hard times as well.
You weren't there during the court proceedings. You didn't listen to the absolute absence of feeling for his wife and her trauma in his answer when the judge asked "why would you continue to have marital relations with your wife in her current physical and mental condition.” I was there. I was also outside the courtroom walking the baby when I couldn't stand to hear any more of what he said in court.
You weren't there when I talked to one of the twins. One of which could be the wife you speak of now. She deeply loved her mother and father on that day. What happened to change that? Could it be that brainwashing changed that!
You weren't there when the court decided to take Coral's children away. You didn't see a woman sobbing, rocking back and forth consumed with the kind of grief that only another parent could understand and yet, not wholly fathom.
You weren't there when we picked up the three youngest children and delivered them to Mr. Warner. You didn't hear the screams and sobbing of the two little girls in the back seat of my car on the trip to Mr. Warner's. You never had to watch a grief-stricken mother trying to pump painfully engorged breasts because her six-month-old nursing baby had just been wrenched from her.
Tell me something, what had Coral ever done to deserve this? Coral Theill (Kathy Warner) was a warm and loving mother. She was also a good wife. To this day she loves her eight children deeply, even the ones who no longer call her mother. Coral was the sole nurturer, caregiver, and teacher in that family for many, many years. At least half of those wonderful, talented, children you speak of received their foundation from their mom.
It saddens and sickens me that all of the wonderful things the children learned from their mother; all of the warm and happy memories that should be Coral's legacy to these children have been tossed away like yesterday's garbage.
That, sir, is the real tragedy. – Debbie Custis, Oregon
Dear Jesse White,
I want to add my voice to those who have addressed Coral's son-in-law. I helped Coral when she was writing BONSHEA and I know that she struggled with what to tell and what to hold back in telling her story. I pressed her to tell as complete a story as possible. She made every effort to protect her children in her writings, but she was past the point where half-truths would do. What your wife does not understand is that the motivation for the whole ordeal – including escaping from her marriage and standing up to her husband - was an effort to PROTECT her children from harm. And the main reason for writing a book was so that someday her children might know the truth.
I suspect that it is hard to accept that there is a darker reality to people who can appear quite virtuous. I urge you to pay attention to the voice in your head that is beginning to warn you things are not as they seem, and watch for the chinks in the facade of this family. Protect your own children from the people who could wield a strap against their sons and daughters, abuse their spouse, and mis-use the name of God to justify their behavior. – Judy Bennett, Editor, Oregon
To Jesse White:
I can't help but notice in your first comment; the general message seemed to be: "there is no problem in this family, and Coral is making this up. She is hurting a good citizen, Marty Warner with false accusations". Then after a bit of criticism, the message changed: "yes there actually is a problem, but it should just be kept between adults, and I'm only concerned now because publicity is hurting the children.
This strikes me as rhetoric on both counts. In the first comment, it appears that the situation's basic existence (that Coral was physically, sexually, and emotionally abused within her marriage, criminally assaulted, and legally forced to relinquish custody of her children) was dismissed in totality; but at the same time, illogically, it was implied that if the situation did exist, all blame for it was placed smoothly on the shoulders of Coral herself.
Then, when called on this, in the second message there is a bit of backpedaling and an admission that yes there were problems within the marriage and a redirection to concern over 'the children'. But in no place anywhere did I notice the actual issues be addressed.
Was this woman raped and assaulted, or was she not? Did she relinquish contact with her own children voluntarily, or did she not?
There is not one person I have ever spoken to who questions her devotion to her children. On what logic do you base your belief that she would choose to leave them and have no contact with them year after year? I see the pain it causes, as their birthdays pass, and mother’s day passes, and she is without them, and they are again without her. I have seen the letters from her children, where they are desperately trying to reach out to her, but are so afraid. It's clear even now they still want her in their life.
On what possible logic do you support this painful separation of woman and child?
Criminals in jail are allowed more visitation time and parental rights than Coral is. I would like to know your perspective on these questions. And I would also like to know, if you all respect her so much as a woman and mother, why then is she not allowed to even send letters to her own children, which might give her the chance to explain herself to them and repair their relationship?
If what she has to say is not the truth, why are you so very afraid of it? If it is the truth, and you really care about her and abuse victims as you say you do, why are your actions not reflecting that? What you are doing to her does not withstand logical question.
One last thought: Don't you think that if she, like some mothers do, simply did abandon her family to live a life of wanton pleasure, she would be off doing that right now, having forgotten all about her children, rather than trying to fix this problem with every ounce of her strength? I am very interested to hear the answers your family chooses to provide for these questions.
If you truly respect women and mothers, I have faith you will explore the answers to these questions with us, and help us learn. – Oregon Resident, (Name withheld), Domestic Violence Advocate, July 2007
Letter from Bruce McLelland in regards to Jesse White’s comments July 19, 2007:
I am saddened because Ms. Theill's son-in-law besmirches my character and that of others who have taken the time to read BONSHEA and posted comments to this space for not seeking the truth. This is a most interesting universal condemnation of the integrity of people he has never met. If Diogenes had encountered Ms. Theill’s son-in-law while wandering through the Agora with his torch, would he have ceased his quest for an honest man?
“To paraphrase a cliché: ‘Judge a man by the way he treats the waiter, not by the way he treats the chef.’ Do the experiences of his former employee, (Debbie Custis) provide the clearest insights into the soul of Mr. Warner? Debbie has nothing to gain by her comments but does leave herself open to criticism. Can Ms. Theill’s son-in-law say he has nothing to gain by singing the praises of his father-in-law? Perhaps his bias precludes an appreciation of truth? Perhaps Ms. Theill’s son-in-law would be best served by asking questions in search of truth, and not blaspheming the understandings of others? Only through questioning can we truly embrace our faith.” - Bruce McLelland, Washington D.C.
Posted by Coral Anika Theill
Author, Advocate Speaker & Reporter
Memoir: BONSHEA Making Light of the Dark
"A victim's first scream if for help; a victim's scecond scream if for justice."
- Coral Anika Theill